Dear Nicky

31/5/2006

Dear Nicky,

It must seem mad that Iím writing you a letter when I see you everyday but something has happened. Something has gone and itís come to this. I have tried ringing you at home but your mother always says youíre at football training. Or maybe helping Mrs Perkins un-jam a door. Or asleep. Or studying. But mostly just out. I can tell sheís getting annoyed with me so I thought Iíd better write instead.

Mind you I guess we have plenty of chances at school but you seem cold and distant on those rare times when I see you. Most of the time youíre in the Senior study area, where Juniors like me arenít allowed to go, or maybe playing touch on the field with your mates during lunch time. Iíve waited at the gates after school each day, but you always go some other way. Iím beginning to think you have dug a secret passage out of the school or are leaving in the boot of a car. (Joke!)

I know that being a year nine girl most people think I am too young to be going out with a year thirteen, but we know differently. I havenít said anything to the girls in my class but they seem to know. Some of them have been talking about me I guess but I donít care. There are a couple of boys in the class who have been coming on to me too, I donít know what thatís about.

Itís only Wednesday, just four days. I have been in another world for four days. Itís hard to explain. Now, when I look at the row of trees out the window they donít look like trees to me any more. They look like the feathers on my grandmotherís hat as she waits at the bus stop. I used to go into town with her when I was a little girl, she had this hat. I guess you donít want to know all this stuff. But what I am trying to say is that Iím changed. I see the world differently now and that youíve changed me.

That party was a big first for me. Lots of firsts, actually. It was the first time I was allowed to go out with my friends after 10. The first party with older people, I mean the kings and queens of the school. The first time I have drunk alcohol. Well the first time I have drunk more than a glass of beer anyway. The first time Iíve been kissed by a boy. So many firsts. Iíve been adding them up. And thereís another first too but I am not going to say what that is. You know about that one. I guess thatís the one that really counts. Well it does for me anyway.

I remember when Amy and Ruth pointed you out to me. How they said that you were looking at me. I was sure they were teasing. I mean year 13s donít even talk to girls our age. And then I noticed. I could feel your eyes on me. It was like they were touching me. Touching my body. It makes me feel funny to write that even now I go sort of goose bumpy. But I started to sneak a few peeps at you, and then you smiled.

You probably donít know how you look to other people, other people like me anyway. I guess no-one does. Your thick brown hair with red lights in it, the way it hangs down sort of heavy to your eyebrows. How your brown skin and your brown eyes are sort of lit up by your smile and the way your eyes flash. Thereís something about how your body moves thatís sort of graceful, even when youíre not doing much, you move like those big cats in the nature programs on TV. Kind of relaxed but ready to spring at the same time.

And you did spring, didnít you. I feel now like I was some little deer at the waterhole. One moment I just there having a drink and the next itís all over! I can see that having written that there is something of the hunter about you. I hope I am something more than just prey!

My emotions have been all over the place these last four days. Itís like God is playing dice with them. They come on so fast. One moment Iím in Maths struggling with integers and the next moment I am soaked in pleasure. Itís like a deluge of warm water. I couldnít stop giggling. In the end Mr Pardoe got sick of me and sent me outside, so there I was in the hall, still sniggering away like a loony.

Then in the afternoon I had this thought. Thatís all it took and I felt like giant hands had plunged into my chest and torn my heart in two. I felt drained of any strength, sort of unplugged. My friends, who are getting a bit sick of my moods, kept asking whatís wrong, but I wouldnít tell them.

I wouldnít tell them. Thatís right. Some things are not made to be shared. They only live on in that silent sanctuary that we all carry within us. Itís a sacred place, the final palace of treasures that feed you in the dark hours. And I have known a few of those recently.

Beside me on the bed is the blouse I was wearing at that party. It has a missing button now. You did that. Iíll never replace it. I can never undo what you did, nor do I want to. I havenít washed this blouse because I fancy I smell you on it. Itís an exciting smell. It helps roll back the memories.

Do you remember that light way you touched me when I was wandering around that big house looking for the toilet? There was something in that touch, it was as if it wrote on me... left some sort of mark. When I came out, you were there, waiting in the hall. You were so eager to find out about me. Who was I? Where I had come from? Where I lived? Was I seeing someone? I didnít even know what the term meant before that night. Talk about naÔve). Iím not now though, am I? And the way you whispered in my ear, and then did that funny thing to my neck. Made me gasp. And those endless kisses. And finding a place to go. And that big bed, whose was it?

Today this girl tracked me down. I donít know her, sheís from your year. She said things to me that made me cry. She said that you have a steady girlfriend and that I was just... well Iím not going to tell you that part. She said her friend had had an argument with you that night and left early to teach you a lesson. And that you were paying her back for that. Nothing more. That there is nothing more and maybe I should grow up. But I feel quite grown up. I do. She was mean this girl, I tried to walk away but she held my arm. She said she was not going to tell me again. The next time...

So Nicky. I know youíre busy. Being a prefect and captain of so many things means that youíre always on the go, your mother told me that much. I know everything happened very suddenly, it did for me anyway. But I need to know. Did you mean those things you said to me? Those magic words you whispered to me. Am I your princess? Do you feel what I feel? Thatís all I want to know.

I wonít ring again. I know itís kind of irritating for your mother. I can tell by her voice. I wonít seek you out at school. I guess you can find me easily enough if you want to. And Iím a bit scared of that girl too, to tell you the truth.

If you care anything for me. If you meant even 1% of what you said four days ago, then let me know. I need to know.

Michelle.